Ask Sara

Our relationship expert answers your questions

Feelings for old flame

Out of the blue, an ex boyfriend from my past contacted me on Facebook.  All the old feelings I felt for this guy have returned.  He dumped me all those years ago for another woman – the one he married.  I suppose I shouldn’t have encouraged the exchanges of conversations, but I did and now I am confused about my feelings for him.  Before he got in touch, I was happy with my husband, and we have children together.  He is divorced and has no ties.

Cultivating relationships on social media can be quite seductive, and can put otherwise happy relationships under threat.  You say you never doubted your relationship with your husband before this ex got in touch?  You risk losing your happy marriage if you don’t sever ties with this man.  Your behaviour may have changed, and it is possible your husband may suspect something.  You also say this ex boyfriend dumped you to marry someone else.  Is this man really what you want?  He got in touch with you again only after his divorce.  Please do some hard thinking about how you proceed.

I can’t live like this

My wife and I have been married for three years.  Our relationship has been heading downhill since we wed.  She rarely wants to be intimate, and that side of things has been very infrequent.  I’ve talked to her about it, but she says we are different in that respect, and she doesn’t need it.  Now she has said she wants a baby, ‘to bring us together’ and I am against it.  I don’t think a child will mend things between us, and I think I will regret being tied down for the rest of my life.  I have remained faithful to my wife but she doesn’t understand that that part of my life is vital to me.

Bringing a child into an unhappy relationship is never a good idea.  If you can’t patch things up and get your libidos in tune, then the relationship is heading for the rocks.  I would recommend counselling if you feel you want to try to save the relationship.  Otherwise, if your heart really is not in your marriage, then you should consider going your separate ways.  Either way, talk things through with your wife.
 

Write to Sara in confidence.  A pseudonym will be used if you wish.  Sara reads all letters and can give a personal reply.  Email your question to sara@costablancapeople.com or Sara is available for private consultations, telephone 650 054 467.